For the past few months .... lets say I've been fighting my own demons(or angels.... you decide.... read the blog first.. ) in trying to do the right thing. But I really don't want to do it 'cause my heart is totally against it. Well I'll admit that I'm an attention grabber ... but in my own subtle way(it comes more naturally to me.. hee hee) but lately it doesn't seem to be working. Every time I go out .. get dressed .. the only reason I am doing that is .. well is not because I really want to go out and throw my charmed tantrums around but mostly because I am being forced my by buddy to look good! Its crazy how my mind is wandering all the time but in less than a minute's time its back to the same thoughts ... the same feeling.. For instance, one of my friends is leaving for France soon and so it was goodbye... we'll miss you.... going away party .. (which by the way totally rocked... and was a much needed break) ... at first I really dint feel like going ... because of two reasons.. the righteous one -- related to my academic life .. and the other .. uhh well to my personal side .... much against to my wishes .. here I was doing the right thing.... as my friend who was leaving happens to be a sweetheart and she totally deserved to be with the people who she really likes... and because I will definitely miss her .. and won't be able to see her or talk to her as often as I used to .... (and the small portion was the much needed break ... )... So I got all dressed up .. n I really felt that after a long time I was looking good ... went to the party... had a great time .. and it felt good to see the smile on my friend's face .... Also, my buddy took some wonderful pictures ... which by the way makes me look good ... :-D Later on as I get the pics from the party and as usual I go and put my favorite picture as my display image on my favorite place(online community).. Orkut.... as elated I was to put up that picture... something inside of me tickled .. and wasn't really happy ... You see .. when you put up a new display picture or upload pics in your album or change something in your profile it is easily noticeable to everyone in your friends list... and here comes all those scraps from everyone .... which is nice most of the times ... as people notice you... guess what it feels good to get all the attention for sometime .... but this time I wasn't really looking for all that attention .. the attention I wanted was from "that" someone, who probably will not even notice it and even if he does ... which by the way ain't happening .. I will never be able to know (don't want to justify why)... As much as I would love to get all his attention ... it won't be the right thing to go for. Somewhere a small part of me would be really happy but another side of me .. which "always wants to do the right thing" will not be happy at all ..... I know in my secret desires and wishes I really wish for my wish to come true ... but the other side of me stops me too .... I'm really trying to reach for stars here... I'm actually asking for something which is whaaaaaayyyyy out of my league .. but I guess that's the human nature ...... in one way or the other every ounce of our blood and every inch of our muscle wants to fight for something that is beyond our reach .... we all want things which we know we cannot have ... or rather we shouldn't have ..... but the heart that's pumping inside us never stops dreaming .... fantasizing ... So what do you do?? Do you just follow your heart or you do the right thing?? In the end I guess it all boils down to these two most............ annoying ... disturbing and important questions ... hmmmm ....
What?? the blog's over ... I don't have the answer to the question.. so now go back to your work!!! Scoootttt!!
